High Masking: The Hidden Cost of Blending In

Key Takeaways

• High masking refers to the exhaustive effort neurodivergent people make to hide their natural behaviors and appear “normal” in social situations
• Many late-identified neurodivergent adults have been masking for decades without realizing it
• While masking can help with social acceptance, it often leads to burnout, anxiety, and loss of identity
• Learning to unmask in safe environments is essential for authentic living and mental wellbeing

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly “on stage” in social situations? Or perhaps you’ve developed an elaborate set of rules for how to act around others that feels nothing like your natural self? If this sounds familiar, you might be experiencing what we call “high masking” – a common but rarely discussed phenomenon among neurodivergent individuals, especially those with autism or ADHD.

What Is Masking, Really?

At its core, masking (sometimes called camouflaging) is the conscious or unconscious effort to hide your natural neurodivergent traits and behaviors to appear more neurotypical. It’s essentially a survival strategy – a way to navigate a world that isn’t designed for different types of minds.

High masking takes this to an extreme level. It’s not just occasional adjustments but a comprehensive, exhausting performance that can consume enormous mental and emotional resources.

Think of it as learning to speak a foreign language so fluently that others assume it’s your native tongue – except you’re doing it with your personality, sensory needs, communication style, and emotional expressions all at once.

The Many Faces of High Masking

Masking looks different for everyone, but here are some common examples I’ve observed in my practice with late-identified neurodivergent adults:

• Memorizing appropriate facial expressions and practicing them in the mirror
• Studying jokes, slang, and pop culture references to use in conversation
• Suppressing stimming behaviors (like rocking, fidgeting, or hand movements) that would help regulate emotions
• Forcing eye contact despite how uncomfortable or overwhelming it feels
• Developing scripts for common social situations
• Hiding intense interests or passions to avoid being seen as “too much”
• Pushing through sensory overload in noisy environments without taking breaks

Jane, a 43-year-old client diagnosed with autism in her forties, described it perfectly: “I realized I had a different persona for every situation – work Jane, mom Jane, friend Jane. I wasn’t consciously creating these masks, but each one had different rules, different acceptable topics, even different body language. By Friday afternoon, I couldn’t remember who the real me was supposed to be anymore.”

Why Do We Mask?

Most of us don’t wake up one day and decide to start masking. Instead, it develops gradually through:

• Childhood experiences of being told to “stop being so sensitive” or “weird”
• Social rejection when behaving naturally
• Observing that certain behaviors get positive responses while others lead to isolation
• Internalizing messages that our natural way of being is somehow wrong or problematic

For women and girls especially, the social pressure to conform can be intense. This helps explain why so many women receive late diagnoses – they’ve often become expert maskers out of necessity.

The Hidden Cost of High Masking

While masking can help with social acceptance, employment, and navigating day-to-day interactions, the long-term effects can be devastating:

Burnout

The most common consequence I see in my practice is burnout. Maintaining these masks requires immense cognitive and emotional energy. Eventually, many adults reach a breaking point – often in midlife or during major life transitions like perimenopause – when masking becomes unsustainable.

Identity Loss

After decades of masking, many people struggle to know who they really are beneath the performance. “I don’t know what I actually like versus what I’ve learned to like to fit in,” is something I hear frequently from newly diagnosed adults.

Mental Health Impacts

Research suggests that high levels of masking correlate with increased anxiety, depression, and exhaustion. One 2019 study found that camouflaging autistic traits was associated with significantly higher rates of suicidal thoughts and behaviors – a sobering reminder of just how serious the cumulative effect can be.

Delayed Diagnosis

Because high masking can effectively hide neurodivergent traits from others (and sometimes even from yourself), it often contributes to delayed or missed diagnoses. This means many adults spend decades without understanding why they feel so different or why everyday activities feel so much more exhausting for them.

Recognizing Your Masks

For many late-identified adults, realizing you’ve been masking is both disturbing and liberating. Here are some signs you might be a high-masker:

• You feel utterly exhausted after social events, even ones you “enjoyed”
• Different people in your life would describe you very differently
• You’ve been told you’re “so normal” or “don’t seem autistic/ADHD” when you disclose your diagnosis
• You feel like you’re constantly monitoring yourself in social situations
• You experience “social hangovers” that can last days after interaction
• You feel most comfortable when alone or with a select few people where you can “be yourself”

Learning to Unmask: A Path to Authenticity

Unmasking isn’t about throwing away all social skills or abandoning every adaptation you’ve made. Instead, it’s about making conscious choices about when and how to mask, creating space for your authentic self, and finding sustainable ways to navigate the world.

Here are some gentle steps toward unmasking:

Start in Safe Spaces

Begin by identifying environments where you feel safe to be more authentic. This might be with trusted friends, family members who understand neurodivergence, or even in online communities of other neurodivergent people.

Small Experiments

Try small unmasking experiments, like:

• Allowing yourself to stim discreetly when feeling overwhelmed
• Taking sensory breaks when needed instead of pushing through
• Saying “I need to think about that” instead of forcing an immediate response
• Declining social invitations when you’re already depleted

Understand Your Sensory Needs

Many masking behaviors involve ignoring or suppressing sensory sensitivities. Learning to honor these needs – whether that means wearing noise-canceling headphones, choosing clothes for comfort rather than fashion, or dimming harsh lights – can be a profound form of self-care.

Find Your Community

Connecting with other neurodivergent individuals can be transformative. In these spaces, many find they can relax in ways they never thought possible because the social rules are different – stimming is normal, direct communication is valued, and taking breaks is respected.

The Professional Perspective

As both a clinician specializing in late-identified neurodivergence and someone with lived experience, I’ve seen how profound the journey from masking to authenticity can be. Many clients describe the process as finding their way home to themselves.

While unmasking isn’t always easy – especially when masking has been your primary survival strategy for decades – the relief of authenticity often outweighs the challenges of change.

When to Seek Support

If you recognize yourself in this description of high masking, professional support can be invaluable. Consider reaching out if:

• You’re experiencing burnout that doesn’t resolve with regular self-care
• You feel lost trying to discover your authentic self after years of masking
• You’re struggling with the practical aspects of unmasking in important settings like work
• The process brings up difficult emotions or trauma responses

Final Thoughts: The Courage to Be Seen

High masking develops as a response to a world that often misunderstands neurodivergent experiences. There’s no shame in having adapted to survive and succeed – in fact, it demonstrates remarkable social intelligence and resilience.

At the same time, finding ways to exist more authentically can open doors to deeper connections, greater self-acceptance, and a more sustainable way of being in the world. The journey from high masking to selective, conscious adaptation is different for everyone, but it often leads to the same destination: coming home to yourself.

Dr. Anne-Marie G. Suddreth is a licensed psychologist specializing in neurodevelopmental assessments for adults. As a neurodivergent practitioner herself, she brings both professional expertise and lived experience to her work with late-identified ADHD, autistic, and gifted adults. Learn more about virtual assessments and therapy options at AuDHD with Anne-Marie, LLC.